I had dinner with a bunch of friends this past Saturday, and like any dinner with millennials of various political beliefs we eventually started talking about our current president-elect. And because most of my friends are fuckbois, that lasted for about 10 seconds before we started arguing over whether or not Melania Trump is hot.
Personally, I’m of the opinion that she looks like someone cut the face off a CPR dummy and sewed it back on too tight. Like she’s not BAD looking, but she’s got that frozen-squint face people get when they’re walking straight into the wind, except it’s permanent. Apparently I’m in the minority though.
“Obviously we would all bang Melania, but would I call her the next morning? Probably not,” one friend reasoned, whereas another said “She’s not hot, she’s TRASHY hot. That’s even better.” This, of course, is coming from the guy who proceeded to stalk a 2/10 around the bar later that night, only to get drunkenly swindled into paying for a 40 minute Uber back to whatever livestock paddock she came from. The next morning he arrived back in DC and regaled us with tales of bovine mating calls and a $70 morning after pill, plus another 40 minute Uber back home — in other words, his opinion is invalid, even if it’s accurate.
So after seeing Gigi Hadid get on stage at the American Music Awards and do her best Melania Trump impression, I’m of the mind that we should swap the two out; Melania can be a supermodel again, and Gigi Hadid can be first lady. Not only is Gigi hotter, but be honest: which would you rather be caught with in public? This:
One looks like she belongs in a Sports Illustrated catalog; the other looks like she suffers from chronic constipation.
But before you make your decision, make sure to take into account Gigi’s Melania impression at the 2:20 mark:
Pretty spot-on if you ask me, which makes me wonder why we even need Melania in the first place. But apparently people got pissed over it, because it’s not like people have been making fun of politicians and celebrities since…oh, I don’t know, the beginning of time?
Gary also gets mad when his Hot Pockets are cold on the outside and lava in the center. Life is hard for Gary.
I’m sorry, but as a Mean Girl™ myself I take offense to that. At no point did Gigi wreak emotional and physical torment onto Melania over a period lasting at least three months but not exceeding six. Lisa Forsberg-Ley apparently had no friends in high school.
I “don’t think” that “Diana” understands how to “use” “quotation” marks properly, and “besides” — if her own parents are immigrants, doesn’t that make her more than qualified to make jokes?
No, Gigi hadid finds it OK to mock Melania Trump because of her face, plagiarism AND accent. Did you even watch the video?
I’ve been told numerous times that because Trump is president, PC culture is going to decline. Totally down for that, but it goes both ways. If we’re going to be able to make fun of everyone and everything again, that means you have to be able to make fun of yourself as well — even if you don’t like it. Trump mocks a disabled reporter? Okay, then that means I get to say that his wife looks like she belongs in a dual-gendered bathroom. IT’S A TWO WAY STREET PEOPLE, Y’ALL CAN’T JUST PICK AND CHOOSE WHO WE’RE ALLOWED TO SHIT ON.
And at the end of the day, I doubt Melania gives a fuck. We can all sit back and laugh at her perpetually confused face…
…but she’s still sitting pretty in Trump Tower having peasants like us bring her foie gras and quail on silver platters. I think she knows who the real winner is here.
Now excuse me, I have a hot dog cooking on the stove to be served in a mushed hamburger bun since I’m completely out of bread. This peasant knows where she ranks in society, and it ain’t anywhere near Melania or Gigi.