Martin Shkreli, the former pharmaceutical CEO who infamously jacked up the price of AIDS medication has a new plan to try and rehabilitate his image.
He wants us to know that he is a lover of animals and will go to any lengths to protect them, even resurrecting ones that are already dead. This week “Pharma Bro” tweeted his genius plan to clone and resurrect Harambe, the beloved gorilla that was shot and killed at the Cincinnati Zoo after a child fell into his enclosure.
The FBI arrested Shkreli in December on securities fraud, for essentially operating a Ponzi scheme for which he could face 20 years in prison. However, out on five million dollars bond, his inner D-bag could not handle being insulted by rapper Ghost Face Killah, whose one of a kind, “work of art” Wu-Tang Clan album “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin” he purchased for two million dollars. He was last heard from while posting threatening videos to the members of Wu-Tang Clan and being grilled by the United States Congress who held a special hearing just to investigate how it was possible a citizen could become such an incredibly huge, monstrous douche (and also ask him about the price gouging thing).
Well now facing prison time, Shkreli has announced from his Dr. Evil style lair a plan that he knows everyone will get behind. Sadly, he can’t help himself and seems to have missed the mark in his announcement.
While this plan may sound farfetched, it is in fact not that far outside the realm of possibility. Animal cloning is quickly becoming a common procedure, with several companies offering services to clone your dead pet. My Friend Again is a website that provides information on how to clone your pet. Pharma Bro might want to start there. However the entrepreneur posted an email he has written to Kazuhiro Saeki, a member of a team of scientists who published a paper in 2009, outlining how they were able to clone a bull using cells retrieved from testicles of a frozen animal which had been dead for ten years.
If there is one thing that advanced geneticists who have already successfully cloned a dead bull want to get involved with, I’m sure it is bullshit from Martin Shkreli. So good luck with that. However, even if Shkreli doesn’t get a lead with those scientists, he is willing to fund the Harambe resurrection project himself by donating money… that he raised on Go Fund Me. He just needs to know how much cash ya’ll think he should raise.
If you act now Martin wants us to know what he plans to use this technology to morph himself into half man- half gorilla: an entity known as “Shkarambe.” I assume this will be a gorilla that is shot by his handlers when they fear he will jack the price of life saving AIDS medication.
To top it off “Shkarambe” officially announced his bid for president, in the year 2020. Once in office he will print “Gorilla dollars.” Sure it seems funny now, but stranger things have happened.
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney