I’ve never been one to reminisce, but man oh man was 2016 a year for the record books. So far we’ve had a dead gorilla, arguments over what bathroom we should be able to use in public, and of course, the big kahuna:
Now, ever since we all hunkered down into voting booths and picked the lesser of two evils as a nation, I’ve heard it all: that liberals live in a “bubble,” that the average city voter is completely out of touch with the more rural areas of the country, that the only people who voted for Trump are “racist.”
But hold on there just a second — that can’t be true. Me and my Klansmen were all #WithHer this past November 8th, and I for one can proudly say that we despise anyone and anything that isn’t white. Have you seen my house? I so much as spill a drop of yellow mustard on the carpet and my wife goes OFF about the “goddamn gooks” stealing our kids’ educational opportunities. We don’t even have kids; My wife just hates Asians and hates when the house isn’t pristine. #VoteHillary.
Not a single drop of diversity anywhere — just how we like it.
In fact, if y’all really wanted to stick it to the minorities, you should’ve voted for my girl Clinty. Sure, Trump said he’s going to build a wall, but do you really think that’s going to happen? Which would you prefer: millions of dollars getting poured into a wall and deporting every single hotel maid in the country, OR, Hillary Clinton, who has a proven track record of screwing blacks, Asians, Hispanics and women, as long as the donations keep rolling in?
As of right now, us white men are still top of the pack; the creme-fraiche-of-the-crop, if you will. But that could all change with a Trump presidency. You know how your home water heater is hidden away in the basement, never to be seen by anyone, but it’s still completely functional and alive? That’s how racism works in this country. You let people think everything is fine and dandy, meanwhile me and the K-Boys are meeting in the basement of the local firehouse, planning dastardly deeds and nefarious plots. This does not work if, say, we did our dastardly deeding and nefarious plotting in the middle of an Olive Garden.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re anti-Semitic.”
We can all point and laugh at the Black Lives Matter protestors and call them overreacting, whiny babies, but that doesn’t work if I’ve got distant Kousins running around the place chanting “WHITE POWER” and “TRUMP’S AMERICA.” All that does is give legitimacy to their cause, which, I shouldn’t have to tell you, is exactly the opposite of what we want to do. Our con is long-term, and anyone who thinks Trump is going to bring us whites back into complete and total superiority is an idiot. All we really did was detonate a grenade while it was still clipped to our belt, whereas Hillary, for all her posturing and deplorableness, would’ve been like hanging out in the latrine all day. Yeah you’re not doing anything and it smells like shit, but at least you didn’t nuke yourself like the moron out there testing explosives for the first time.
If we were organized, smart, and had a plan in mind (all things I addressed in the weekly memo that NO ONE READS), the better move would’ve been to build up some more animosity with all this PC-culture safe space protest bullshit, then come 2020 we really flip the script. Imagine who we’d be able to get elected immediately following a Hillary presidency if we managed to get Trump right after Obama — people fucking love Obama! They hate his politics, his message and everything else about him, but they love the guy! Would I get a beer down at the local pub with Obama? Fuck yeah I would! But Hillary? You could not pay me to spend the afternoon with that woman. She queefs dust and farts sadness. I would rather chug a gallon of crude oil and give myself a gasoline enema. I’m of the mind that had we sat through at least four years of Hill, we could’ve gotten Satan elected president, or at the very least, Edward Norton from American History X.
Curb-stomping your enemies >>>>> mass deportation.
Alls I’m sayin’ is, we may have fucked ourselves on this one. But who knows? Hopefully Trump will prove me wrong, build a wall and set fire to any city that has a Spanish language option at every self check-out lane — I’m looking at you, Tampa.
This piece is completely satirical so dont even bother complaining about it, or do, you’re an adult live your own life