A Drunk Voter’s Guide to Alternative Write-In Candidates


People who didn’t grow up in dysfunctional families often wonder what all the fuss is about. Now those of us who did can point to the 2016 U.S. presidential election to give them a little glimpse. The adults hate each other and the kids just want them to pass out already because nobody can hear the television with all that kitchenware being thrown at everyone’s heads. You would like to run away to your friend’s house but this stupid election is ruining that too.

If you find yourself spending the day clipping vodka coupons (it’s a thing – my grandma taught me) and using Google Translate to see how many ways there are to say “I can’t even” as Election Days gets closer, you’re not alone. You still want to vote though, but are struggling with the available choices. So what do you do? 

Step One: Use those coupons.

Step Two: Consult this handy guide. 

Remember, there are no rules in 2016, so let’s not quibble about the age, nationality, or species of any of these suggestions. No animals, people, or careers were harmed in the creation of this list.

As far as you know. 

Grab a crayon and get ready to get your write-in on. 

1: Your Friend Todd

Every real American who doesn’t hate the flag has a friend named “Todd.” Yeah, he’s a doof, but he’s your doof, which helps you overlook his constant “just slept in a stranger’s car” smell. He’s fun at parties and he never hits on your girlfriend. He’s manageable, safe and seems to have been there since forever. He’s never had a real job and has no discernible skill beyond being a reliable friend so he is basically perfect for the presidency. When they give President Todd the nuclear launch codes he’ll ask you to take them so he doesn’t do something stupid. When Todd is president, we’re all president. 

2: Nazi Paikidze

The U.S. Women’s Chess Champion is pretty, intelligent, and currently giving Iran the finger, the last of which should be on every presidential resume. Females are always thinking several moves ahead of men so it follows that a female chess champion would be mentally lapping any poor sap male foreign leader she deals with. CHECKMATE, VLAD. 

Oops, I think I just castled myself.

3. Porn Flea

Those of you feeling especially awful this year may want to think outside the box. What if I told you there were extraordinarily, um, gifted, fleas that are already preparing to invade a foreign country? Once you’ve read the phrase “massive flea penises” a few times you find your horizons broadening rather rapidly. So what if they’re invading an ally? WHO ARE WE TO QUESTION OUR FLEA PENIS OVERLORDS? 

Look, we’re probably only a generation or two away from being overrun by a superior space alien bug planet anyway, why not start the party early? If we give these guys time to adjust, they may be able to fight the alien bugs. Don’t hate on problem-solving. 

4: Ivanka Trump

The one Trump kid who isn’t involved in daily hair struggles might just save us all. If you’ve been scrubbing yourself with a wire brush since reading about the fleas then Ivanka could provide a soothing bit of brain-bleach here. A winning combination of her father’s chutzpah and her mother’s elegance, she’s just the kind of female president America needs. “Make America Tall, Blonde and Leggy Again” may not fit neatly on a hat, but it could be the greatest campaign slogan ever painted on the side of bunker buster bombs. If you really want to demoralize our enemies, Ivanka/Reaper Drone 2016 is your ticket. 

5: Sterling Archer

The guy has survived male breast cancer, being stranded in space, and a rocky relationship with a woman who died then came back as a cyborg. All while working for a domineering mother. He’s got a body count and an immunity deal from the government, so he’s not unlike a person or persons who may already be on the ballot. He’s a high-functioning alcoholic for those of you who miss the Kennedys. 

Admit it, you’re kind of digging the idea. 

Yes, Sterling Archer is a cartoon. Prove to me any of the other candidates aren’t (show your work). 

6: Martha McSally

A reluctant choice, given that she is currently in Congress and has that shame to carry around. However, she’s also the first woman to have ever commanded a fighter squadron, flying A-10s in Iraq and Afghanistan. She’s soiled more terrorists’ drawers than the Baghdad Chipotle during E.coli Burrito Bowl Week. 

7: Canada

We’ve already had bugs and cartoon characters on the list, why not give a fictional country with no visible means of support a shot? It’s (allegedly) just sitting up there doing nothing but hemorrhaging hockey teams to the U.S. If Canada is real (still not admitting anything) this could be our big chance at making it feel good about itself. If, as I suspect, it isn’t real but still it wins the election, Todd becomes POTUS as soon as the Canadian charade is exposed. 

8: Florida Man

We’ve saved the best for last. Americans are sick of business as usual in Washington and we have a golden opportunity to really give D.C. the shock treatment this year. Cast off your two-party electoral chains, America, and vote for real freedom. After all, nothing says “Shake up the D.C. Establishment” like a president who shows up for his inaugural address with a mullet covered in bath salts, an American Flag face tattoo, and a baby alligator firmly clamping on his junk. 

If that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, the alligator will once President Florida Man sets it loose. 

Freedom is out there. Drink up and make your move, American Electorate. 

 

Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world. 



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