5 Ways To Survive A Slasher Movie


What would slasher movies be without their riddled box of plot clichés? The plot points in slasher movies are pretty hackneyed; there’s a formula to be followed. The template for a slasher movie is utilized to try and make us jump out of our seats; maybe this worked the very first time we saw a slasher movie; but once you know the rules of the game, it becomes very typical on how the director is going to try and push our buttons.

So if you ever find yourself thrust into the middle of a slasher film, here are a few tips on what rules you need to know on how to survive: 

1) AVOID HAVING SEX: EXPECIALLY AT CREEPY SUMMER CAMPS

There’s a subtle (or not subtle) Puritan message in slasher movies; if you have sex most likely you’re going to DIE! Follow this simple slasher movie formula:

Teens + Sex = Psychopath Killing Them in a Horrific Manner

What can we read into this? Are these movies trying to warn about the dangers of premarital sex – in the same manner Reefer Madness warns us about the dangers of smoking weed? Or does it symbolize teen’s fears teens about having sex? 

Friday the 13th was one of the first slasher series that touched upon this quandary of horny teen/sex/death:

So, if you ever find yourself, for some reason, thrust into the eye-of-the-storm of a slasher film – take a pass at having sex with the hot blond girl to avoid having a giant spear impale you and your girlfriend; it just might save your life! 

2) STAY AWAY FROM PLACES WHERE “SOMEONE WAS MURDERED HERE’

It’s always creepy when you find out that, years ago, someone died in the house you just bought, in the bunk bed below you at the summer camp you’re attending, or on your street some years ago during a Halloween celebration (when it happens to be Halloween). 

If a place is deemed “cursed” – don’t go there ironically; it spells getting a knife in your throat by a guy wearing a hockey mask. Most particularly, stay away from locales where a killer once inhabited – but yet is still alive – and has been sent away to a nearby facility for the criminally insane. Especially stay away from the place if the murders were committed murders on a particular holiday – and that said holiday is just about to occur.

Added-added precaution to survive a slasher movie: never buy a house that was built on top of a cemetery or old Indian burial ground: this always means slasher movie trouble and never has a good outcome! 

3) KEEP CLEAR OF CELL PHONE DROP OFF ZONES

In 2016, not being able to get a signal on your cell phone can be a problem; in slasher movies – it could cost you your life. The modern-day cell phone should result in saving a lot of lives in slasher movies by simply dialing 911 when there’s trouble – especially when characters find themselves thrust into a remote areas where a killer might be on the prowl. Crafty slasher film screenwriters astutely solve this plot hole problem: they give the characters cell phones that have trouble getting signals;  despite there being cell phone carrier satellites orbiting our earth.

Cell Phone + No Cell Phone Signal in Slasher Movie = Certain Death 

So avoid being killed in a slasher movie by checking first with your cell phone provider before going to that cabin in the woods. Chances are, you should be able to get a signal in a rural locale – so just keep 911 on speed dial.

4) KEEP IN MIND EVIL NEVER DIES

They say ‘only the good die young’ – but in slasher movies, you have to remember, ‘evil never dies.’ Surely we should all know this precautionary lesson; otherwise why the hell would there be 12 Friday the 13th movies and 10 Halloween movies.

The scenario is, the slasher is seemingly killed after being: shot/stabbed/light on fire/blown up/impaled/bludgeoned/inject with shit/electrocuted, etc…All appears to be once again good in the world – so the movie’s hero decides to relax by doing something like take a bath. WRONG! In slasher movies you can’t kill evil – that’s what sequels are all about. 

So, to avoid being killed, just keep in mind, once you kill the slasher – he’s still not dead…so get ready for the sequel.

5) KNOW THERE’S GOING TO BE A TWIST

The 1983 movie, Sleepaway Camp, is known for having one of the most shocking endings to any slasher film. Or so says its Wikipedia page. This Friday the 13th ripoff ends with hero finding out that the killer isn’t a little girl – but a little boy! We learn this from a slow pan out to reveal that the girl has a male genitalia. Sleepaway Camp sequels followed.

So spare your life, if you think everything is the way it should be – know there’s going to be a last minute twist – when you find out that someone actually has a dick!

 



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